34 vs. 20 (you still lose)

I just found one of my angry college break up poem/picture projects and it kind of made me sigh and smile at the same time to think that it was written almost 13 years ago. Time is funny like that. I remember the exact situation and how I was feeling at the moment I sat down and wrote this. I think I'd change some of the words now, but I'll do 20 year old Jen the honor and just rewrite it as is (typos corrected!):


darkness—
and it's not numb
there is pain—
the pain of the heart being strangled by your being
there is sadness
but that is for the pain
the lost love is just a fractured ego—
a self denied
that you could do nothing to stop
no matter how much indifference you tried to fabricate

there is anger
the kind of self destruction
that draws out confidence
and cuts it while you watch
no way to deny it
so you push it out harder, faster
hoping to destroy it
only soon to be left with a hole

there is stillness
an aching silence
where there used to be noise
the sounds of play, acceptance and trust
replaced by an occasional far-off stir
of the outside world
that continues to be
but not with you
you are static
life has been temporarily stilled
and its vastness is humbling—

i'm fine, by the way

let me introduce you to the end