May 20, 2013

It's My Own Fault Really...

I had said I would never go back to Plenty of Fish. But here's what happened. I had been on OKCupid for awhile, met some of the guys you've read about (left me in Brooklyn guy, I'm moving to Cali guy...) and I met someone I dated for five months and we ended it at the worst possible moment in my life. So, I figured, well three strikes, I don't want to go back there. But, I also didn't want to pay to meet the same types of guys. A good friend of mine has had really good luck with POF, so I sucked it up, went back, and hoped that no one else offered me the opportunity to bear their children. 

What I found was that nothing had changed. I had several e-mails, which my friend read out loud with a Russian accent, making them a thousand times creepier. I had one guy ask how big my labia were, "inquiring minds need to know." I had one guy absolutely lose his shit in a fifteen minute span. He graced me with e-mails like, "You give me a spiritual hard on..."

"Have you ever seen a guy in your life and just fell in love? I have 3 times... But they weren't guys.. I was young in my teens, but I remember that feeling. But tonight looking at your pictures and profile I fell in love at first sight.. It was like when you by a lottery ticket and can't sleep because your mind is racing with thoughts of what if I win how your life would change... That's how I'm feeling right now about you... I don't expect you to reciprocate because it is crazy.. And I doubt my profile will inspire you like yours did me... But yours did me and I had to acknowledge it. You knocked my socks off.... I want to get to know you. I want more than anything for you to be the woman in this stupid sight that gives me a lose or draw I'll be awesome to you. I am looking for my best friend.. You are it... I'm looking for a soulmate .. You are it... Wanna talk and find out if I'm omnipotent or just restarted?" "If you don't give me a chance I'm gonna cry.... Your profile is everything I've ever wanted.. I could have written it for me... I hate sushi too... And I'll kick your ass at scrabble if you ll let me win.... I'll slow dance with you any time any where and for no reason other than I want you close to me and I love this song... I know I'm ruining this because I sound crazy... But I'm not." So anyway, there were about ten emails in the same vein. And then one a day later that said basically, "Hey, what's up?" But then I finally met someone who seemed mostly normal. And yes, I realize my definition of normal isn't always the standard, but I didn't get the sense that this guy would collect my hair or try to skin me while I slept. So I met him out for a drink. 

While he wasn't terrible, I wasn't comfortable around him from the get go. Not in an oh-my-god-he's-going-to-murder-me type of way, but just, yea-this-isn't-ever-going-anywhere-type-of-way-because-you-give-me-the-creeps. And you know, there's something to be said for intuition. Sitting in Union Square, he said, what to me seemed out of nowhere, "Some men are ass men. Some men are tit men. I'm a vagina man. I love vagina."

Yep. I was on the train home shortly thereafter. And I once again deleted the POF account. Lesson learned. For real this time.


ctwells6783 said...

That's going for broke giving the I'm a vagina man comment. Probably a lot of strikeouts but the moment he finds someone who enjoys that come on he's going to be in heaven. Hate that you had to go through all of that, but that was rather entertaining.

nicole falk said...

Holy shit balls.

Anonymous said...

First, I laughed my ass off but at the stupidity of some men. Second, I am sorry that you had to go through that mess. I am ashamed for members of my sex. I hope you have much better luck soon and that you can get away from these creeps.