No matter how crazy my day (or mind) has been, after a yoga class, I can deeply relax and let go in savasana. In fact, I can't actually recall any time that I've struggled with it. Last week I even fell asleep and woke myself up because I was snoring. (I know what you're thinking, "Man, that girl sounds SEXY!") But yesterday, that sense of calm I love so much was nowhere to be found.
The past few days I've just been feeling run down, overwhelmed with my growing list of to-do's, and just life in general. I think a lot of it is stemming from an underlying sense of dread, like a fault line, as October wears on and we head into the winter. It was around this time last year that all hell broke loose in my life—the hurricane and grandma's fall, my car getting hit three times, my car breaking down, the abscess, the relationship loss, and ultimately losing Grams.
Sunday was her birthday. Our first without her. I pictured the day in my mind as one of reflection and mourning. But, I was so busy, I just kind of plowed through it, until late that night when I walked down to the pier to the place where I had taken one of my favorite pictures of her. And it hit me like a truck.
I have been, by far, a different person since January, and part of that is really being able to appreciate all of the good in my life. (Just look at how stoked I was to go pumpkin picking!) I think these emotional "setbacks," when it comes to Grams anyways, serve to remind me not only what a wonderful woman she was, but also all of the little promises I made myself in her honor. They provide time for reflection and an opportunity to check in and slow down, which is so greatly needed sometimes.
I thought yoga and meditation last night would do the trick. But, at the end of class, I was restless. And any sense of quiet I was feeling was shattered by a girl in class shouting across the room immediately after the final OM. The meditation class that followed seemed to be buzzing with energy instead of grounding down. Things were just a bit off.
Yesterday I was reading a short lecture on how so many people try to avoid pain to stay comfortable in their lives. But if you level off pain, you also level off happiness. You have to let yourself feel both to really live. "The sweet is never as sweet without the sour." Take the pain, breathe into it, and feel it. It will pass. Just remember to breathe.