In yoga class yesterday, my teacher wrapped up class with a dharma talk about having good years and bad years. It's possible that you had a great 2013, but that won't be every year. It's possible you had a terrible 2013—that also won't be every year. But it's the years that are hard, that rip you open and make you raw, where you can learn the most. I'd say, without a doubt, this is true in my case.
As I laid there listening to her talk, before I knew it, I was in tears. Thinking back on this year is overwhelming, not just because of the bad, but because of how it all was able to turn around.
The four months leading up to Grams passing were an absolute pressure cooker, and when it finally happened, it just blew the lid off of everything. There was definitely a period of shock. I remember thinking immediately afterwards, "I think I'm ok. She's out of pain. This is a good thing." I was numb. And when that wore off there was the deepest grief I have ever known.
After a few months, when I was able to pick myself up a little and breathe, I knew it was time to lay to rest all of the shit that had been just sitting in my head for years. So I entered a period of intense introspection and rebuilding. And I took steps to do more of things I wanted and make myself feel more whole. One of those steps was starting yoga teacher training, which has been an absolutely transformative experience.
Everything started to mean a little more and shine a little brighter. And it's all because in losing her, I could see clearly what really mattered, what was worth holding onto, and what wasn't. I will forever be indebted to her not just for everything she did for me my entire life, but for giving me that one last gift of learning how to let go.
Now, as I look back at the year, I can't believe it's almost over. I cannot believe it has been almost a year since that night in January when I felt like I had lost everything. I also can't believe that a year that started so incredibly terrible could end so very well. I don't think I've ever been happier than I am right now. So I am taking 2013, the good and the bad, the pain and the happiness, and am offering it all up to Aggie and all of the lessons she taught us, and those we still have yet to learn.