Happy Birthday—From the Bugs

I took all the precautions. Well, no, not really—I took one precaution. I put on bug spray. I was at a Saturday evening party that would extend well into Sunday night. 'Burbs, backyard, grass—bug spray seemed like a good call. Who would have guessed that body armor would have been the better call?

Somewhere between horse balls (actually, ladder golf, but my name is WAY better) and the morning beer to cure the hangover, I began to notice I had a few bug bites. Sunday morning, there was another application of bug spray. By Sunday evening I was amazed at how many bug bites I had. My flip flops proved to be of no use, and to be fair, it probably didn't help walking around barefoot for eight hours. But, not once did I see a single bug on my legs. Clearly the bug spray was of no help, unless by bug spray the manufacturer didn't so much mean "repellant," but "this spray will attract the bugs to you like you were their mother."

By my Monday morning count, I was at 32 bug bites. I actually think it was more than that, but some bites teamed up to form a mega-bite. There is one under my ankle that, by no exaggeration, is about the circumference of a golf ball. By noon, I was losing my mind due to the uncontrollable itching and the seemingly uselessness of rubbing alcohol, vinegar, hydrocortisone cream, and bug itch relief cream. I was down to thinking the only viable option left was to set my legs on fire.

Beginning to consider that maybe something was wrong—West Nile virus, allergic reaction to a spider bite that was going to make my blood fully toxic at any given second, or some sort of crazy malicious ant venom—I called the doctor. He threw a prescription at me and didn't seem too concerned. So now, two hours later, I am waiting for the steroid cream to kick in. It has only so far made the bites ooze, which just doesn't seem ok.

So thank you bugs, for visiting me, so that on my birthday date I cannot wear a skirt. And although it will be over 100 degrees outside, I will be wearing pants, not because I fear you, but because you've made me look like a leper. And a special shout out to the bug spray manufacturer, thank YOU for making such a useful product.