It's Just...I Mean...Really?...I Can't.

It's been awhile since I've done a Jen-rants-like-a-lunatic-post, so yea, we're due. Here's the thing. I have a lot going on in my life right now. Like big life change type of things. Not like, I need a pedicure and I hope I get to yoga later. I'm sure (hopefullly sooner than later) it will all sort itself out and I will go skipping into the sunset yelling, "Weeeee! Life is just dandy!" and then I'll do a dropback into a backbend because that would just be pretty freaking awesome. But that's not now. Now is me having a near meltdown in a Verizon store.

But what did Verizon do? Let's go back to...yesterday. Yesterday I decided I no longer wanted my work phone and personal phone to peaceably coexist together. So I requested my phone number back from my company. Easy. But they informed me that I would need to pay full price for a phone since it's the same contract and I'm not due for an upgrade until July. Le boo. I called Verizon this morning and they told me that's not the case, it's considered a new contract and I could get the new contract pricing. Yay!

At lunch time I trucked on over (well I Honda'd on over) to the Verizon store where they informed me that the lady on the phone was mistaken, I would have to pay full retail price. This after he assured me that there's no way a company would so easily hand over a phone number. Well Negative Nancy, or well, Josh, was wrong about that one. But not about the price thing. He checks with the manager who says the same thing. I figured I would just get a new phone number which is a big pain in the butt, but hey, sometimes change is good. Let go of the past, right? But first I called Verizon back to see if they could help. And then did. Yay!

Back into the store I went and Josh (I don't even know if that's his name but go with me here) says, "Just because they added something in the notes doesn't mean I can do anything." Why so negative Josh? Why? But alas, my upgrade date was changed and all was right with the world again. Then I had to spend twenty minutes on the phone with another gentleman who was helping Josh transfer over my number because he stuck. 

"Do you want insurance?" he asked.
"Nope."

Ok done. Onto phone selection. I wanted the iPhone 4s 16gb because it'd be cheap. And I like cheap. Josh tells me no bueno, not available. After some mulling it over, "I just said, eh screw it, let's do the 5s." Josh then informs me about the Verizon Edge program. Except, 90 percent of the details he gave me weren't even a little bit true. His fantasy version sounded fantastic, so I went with it. Now I've got a new phone...hooray! 

On the drive back to work, I realize both of my phones are working, which is, weird at best. So when I got back to the office I called Verizon to find out why. The first thing the guy says to me is, "You've got insurance, great!" 

"Hold up there - I specifically said I did NOT want insurance."
"Oh, well I'll take it off. It will go into effect next month, so you'll just pay the first month."
"But why would I do that? Why would I pay for something I specifically said I didn't want?"
"Oh, ok, I'll give you a $10 credit then."
"Ok..."

After being transferred twice, the nice lady on the other end knew exactly what was wrong—they never told me to shut down the first phone when they set up the second. Easy fix. Great. I asked her to confirm the insurance had been removed. It hadn't. I explained my previous conversation and she agreed, "That makes no sense, I will just delete it." Great. 

Fast forward to getting home from work and me sitting down to make the new iPhone just like the old iPhone (part of the reason I stuck with iPhone, easy peasy). While I waited, I started thinking, "Hmmm...I'm paying $17 a month for Verizon Edge. Sure I can upgrade after a year but I will have paid $204. If I keep it for two years that's $408." (You like that quick math?) That's when I started to realize that for someone like me who would just as soon still have her old Nokia and be playing snake, Verizon Edge is fucked. 

I once again call the 800 number and explain that Josh didn't so much base any of his information in reality and I'd just rather pay the $200 and be done with it. Sure, she said. But I'd have to go back to the store and return the phone and start over. Ugh. So I walk on over to the store near home and tell them the situation. What do I encounter? Another Negative Nancy. But we'll call him Joey, because he's got that thick New York accent and he's just probably a Joey. Or Anthony. Tony, sorry. Joey Tony tells me this is a big hassle, it's going to take him like two hours to complete this. Straightfaced I said, "Ok."

This is when manager steps in and tries to explain to me all of the reasons Edge is great. And look, I get it. I know people who upgrade wheneverthefuckpossible. Or pay out of pocket because they just NEED the newest phone. As I previously mentioned...not me. So this "discussion" I will call it, went on for about ten minutes. Now I'm just so frustrated I am near tears and just softly asking him to make it stop, I just want a regular contract.

After he agrees, he continues to try to sell me insurance. The woman behind the counter started the process and informed me I'd have to pay a restocking fee. How about...no? Yea, no. So she figured out a way I wouldn't have to after I asked why, why, can two Verizon employees not tell me the same story? Why? She continued working. But here's where they got me. Here's where I felt like I was absolutely going to lose my mind. After an entire day of dealing with misinformation, miscommunication and some bad math on my part, the manager says to me, "Do you have an iPad? Because we are having a really  great sale on iPads right now."

Seriously? You're seriously trying to sell me an iPad after I tell you the day I've had with Verizon, after you argue with me about cancelling Edge because Joey Tony doesn't want to I don't know, do his job and help me out, try to charge ME fees for the happy Edge story Verizon gave me, then you're going to try to sell me an iPad. What. The. Fuck. 

The lady behind the counter got it all sorted it out. I paid for the phone. And one last time manager reminded me I had thirty days to buy insurance. (BTW Joey Tony, it only took 20 minutes to get everything sorted. Not two hours.) I headed out and thought, if there's a god, I will NOT drop my phone in the toilet tomorrow and have to go back to Verizon.