34 vs. 20 (you still lose)

I just found one of my angry college break up poem/picture projects and it kind of made me sigh and smile at the same time to think that it was written almost 13 years ago. Time is funny like that. I remember the exact situation and how I was feeling at the moment I sat down and wrote this. I think I'd change some of the words now, but I'll do 20 year old Jen the honor and just rewrite it as is (typos corrected!):


darkness—
and it's not numb
there is pain—
the pain of the heart being strangled by your being
there is sadness
but that is for the pain
the lost love is just a fractured ego—
a self denied
that you could do nothing to stop
no matter how much indifference you tried to fabricate

there is anger
the kind of self destruction
that draws out confidence
and cuts it while you watch
no way to deny it
so you push it out harder, faster
hoping to destroy it
only soon to be left with a hole

there is stillness
an aching silence
where there used to be noise
the sounds of play, acceptance and trust
replaced by an occasional far-off stir
of the outside world
that continues to be
but not with you
you are static
life has been temporarily stilled
and its vastness is humbling—

i'm fine, by the way

let me introduce you to the end

Lackawanna Station

I love this building. Last night, my friends and I were on our way to watch a movie on Pier A, and we stopped to snap a picture (for me, yet another picture) of Lackawanna Station. A couple of Instagram effects later and voila, a picture that could pass for a postcard. Me gusta.

On the Other Hand...

Traffic flat out sucks. Especially two hours of it for seemingly no reason other than the universe decided to toy with you. But, sometimes you have to take what you can from any given situation. I managed to snap a fun pic of the factories I pass on my commute, and after cursing the skies for starting to rain just topping off the drive home, I sighed a breath of relief when I saw a giant rainbow.

Leanna, For You, While You Rest

Sometimes when I lay awake at night, unable to sleep, I think about dying. Also, nine times out of ten, in movie theaters. No idea why. Maybe there's just something about being in the dark. The quiet, the emptiness, the loneliness that can be overwhelming alone in a king size bed at night. But it can come on out of nowhere, hard and fast, like bricks falling from the ceiling, squeezing the air out of my lungs, bearing down just to see if I will break. 

Am I doing enough with my life? Are you? If we lost it all tomorrow, would it have been worth it? I, all too often, think about that decision I made at 23 to give up what I loved doing, in exchange for health insurance and security. Has it been worth it? Where has it gotten me? It's led to me a 30-mile commute, during which the pressure mounts in my head until I get there and can hardly muster the strength to walk through the door. Things have got to change. Things have needed to change. And they will. Because I refuse to find myself in the last few moments of my life wishing I had done things differently. 

I want to love more, to breathe more, to smile more, and to laugh more. Anything else just doesn't seem worth it...because it's not.

Thought You Were Having a Bad Day?

Ah, summer. Time for the beach, warm nights, long days...and getting fucked up by rain storms. I guess my question is, if the red Mercedes saw that the van and the black car were under water, then why did he think he could make it?

Gluten-Free Week Four

I'm entering my fourth week of my gluten-free experiment. Here's what I've found thus far—let's start with the positives:

• I am less bloated.
• I've lost 4 pounds - which I don't know is so much a result of being gluten free, so much as it is a result of me getting frustrated at all of things I CAN'T eat and then giving up and going to bed hungry and cranky.
• I'm a much cheaper date drinking wine instead of beer.
• I, surprisingly, do not miss bread.
• What are the drawbacks? Well:
• Being in a Ben & Jerry's trying to select a gluten-free ice cream is harder than you'd think and was frustrating—ice cream is supposed to make you happy.
• I had gluten-free pizza last night and it was so terrible I almost wanted to cry. Rationalizing that I would get used to it, like I did apples, did nothing to make me feel better. I don't want to get used to terrible pizza, I just want to eat really good pizza.
• I'm staring at the back of an Apple Cinnamon Chex box and I kind of want to punch it, because you know what? Living gluten free actually DOES mean you have to say no to your favorite foods. Chex is NOT one of my favorite foods—it's actually awful. "Live in the Yes!" I want to live in the no. 

So, what do I think? It's awesome to feel less bloated, which honestly, so far is the only solid positive. But doesn't that mean that I can just eat less bread—or hell, I will give up bread, bagels, and I will even look for gluten-free chicken marinades. The brownies weren't bad either, maybe I can stick with those. But, I think, for me, there has to be some sort of balance. I'm not saying I want to eat pizza every day of my life, but, is it worth it to get this frustrated and upset over food? Isn't food supposed to be one of life's little pleasures? Okay, maybe it's not, but that creme brulee cheesecake at the restaurant up the street certainly is! And I want some! I want some right now! Moderation right? Gluten-reduced?

Just please give me some cheesecake.