It's after midnight, I just got in from a movie and everything is strangely quiet. Still. My mind can't really fathom that it's been three weeks since Aggie left us. Time has been...weird; mostly it has seemed to stand still. Lately, though, there are ups and downs, versus just down. The downs are still as deep, as painful, and as raw. Most nights I still cry myself to sleep.
I think that for a while I expected there to be a moment when life went back to "normal." But whatever that normal was on January 29—it's gone forever. And I am realizing what a long journey this will be. The past three weeks have been filled with confusion, mental wandering, and trying to figure out what life will be shaped like going forward. What do I want? Where do I want to be? Who I am now, without her? I don't have a lot of the answers, but I am starting to feel solid ground under my feet again, which is more than I could have imagined a week ago. I'm starting to find gifts that she has left behind, and they make some of these moments bearable.
Grams has left me with a new sense of family. She may be gone, but she is still the glue that keeps us all together. She is, afterall, the person that put us all here in the first place. She's in my father, in me, in our mannerisms, in our laughs, and in our dreams at night. She's not all of the things that fit into boxes now. That's not what's left. We are left. We ache, we remember, and we try to grow and be strong like she was.
She's shown me who my true friends are, and what that means. Some of them were by my side naturally, some were unexpected, and the absence of others left me surprised. She's shown me that it's more about what you can give than what you get.
She's teaching me how to let go of what doesn't matter and hold on for dear life to the things that do. Because it's all about that moment. That last moment. When the only thing that matters is the people you've touched, who you love, who love you, who will hold your hand through anything. Even if it's to walk you to the end. The people who will hold you in their hearts forever. Just like she will be in ours.