Feb 11, 2013

Love, Loss, and Remembering to Breathe

"Each pain makes you more strong, each betrayal more intelligent, every disappointment more skillful and each experience more wise." 

The past twelve days of my life have been unbearable. I've never known a loss so great, so deep, so relentless, and so life changing. With everyday life and it's own set of issues layered on top, most of the time it seems like too much to take. 

We cleaned out my Grandmother's room this weekend, which turns my stomach to even think about. But, Grams, even now, is trying to take care of her family. I found a newspaper article clipping in the back of one of her drawers, "How to Deal with the Death of a Parent." There was one line that rang true, though I still have no idea what to do with it or how to move forward. It said that people are generally surprised by the intensity and range of their emotions, and that is certainly the case. 

Turning off the lights at night and going to sleep seems suffocating. I wake up shaking constantly. Pretty much since the hurricane, it's been one blow after the other. Now the air has calmed and I'm trying to salvage pieces. While there's not enough strength right now for the heavy lifting that has to be done, I'm trying to find peace in the small moments where I can breathe easy, and the little things to be grateful for: friends who remind me to eat, finding a parking space despite a blizzard, a random stranger pushing my car out of the snow, or the concerned coworkers who keep checking in on me. 

So I am going to hope that this makes me more strong, recent life changes more intelligent, and finding solace in the little things more wise. Still, I will continue to miss that woman with every beat of my heart and every breath in my lungs. 

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