During my two weeks in
India on a journey of self-discovery, I felt like I must have gone through
every possible emotion. Which got me wondering, if I did, in fact, go through
the entire spectrum of human emotion. I asked a therapist friend if there was a
standard list of human emotions, but she never answered. So, I did what anyone
would do, I asked Google. I found a few
websites that listed the below as the rainbow of human emotions…therefore it
must be true, right? Either way seems like a good place to start.
Here’s my [long] alphabetical
journey through emotional highs, lows and everything in between from Mumbai to
Udaipur to Vrindavan.
Acceptance: A lot of this trip (as I’ll mention throughout) was spent working
through the loss of Grams and what death really means. There was a lot of
searching. There still is a lot of searching. There may always be a lot of
searching. But for a moment, in Vrindavan, I accepted what was.
Vrindavan was the last of
our stops. They say that if you hug a tree there, whatever you wish for will
come true. So after two weeks of praying, hoping and grieving for things
surrounding Grams, I hugged a tree and wished more than anything that I could
know if she’s okay. A voice inside me said, “You can never know that.” And in
that moment, I knew deep down that this was the truth, I accepted it and was at
peace with it.
Affection: This one was instant. As
soon as I met my fellow travelers, I loved them. I met the first two ladies in
JFK, and because of them, I had buddies to spend the night with in Dubai. By
the third day of the trip, I felt like I had known these people forever. Each
and every one of them will always hold a special place in my heart.
Aggression: Okay, so maybe I didn’t
cover each of the emotions, but I think in this case, that’s a good thing.
Ambivalence: There were honestly a
couple of times I could have gone either way on visiting another temple. But in
the end, I was always happy with the excursions and all that they offered.
Apathy: There
were one or two mornings when, exhausted from travel, I just couldn’t drag
myself out of bed in the wee hours of the morning to practice yoga or sit
through satsang. Luckily, more often than not, this was not the case.
Anxiety: Right
before I left for India, my boyfriend was reading an article about airlines
that don’t meet FAA regulations, making them (obviously) airlines you’d want to
avoid. Air India was at the top of the list. So flying from Mumbai to Udaipur
on an Air India jet was not the most fun two hours for me.
Boredom: Our long bus rides were
pretty fun. We talked, we sang, we had satsang. But after several days of long
bus rides, the long stretches could get a little boring. Much like apathy,
luckily, more often than not, this was not the case.
Compassion: Compassion was another one of those feelings that pretty much was a
constant throughout the trip. I felt compassion for any of the struggles anyone
in our group was going through. I felt compassion for the poor children who
begged us for rupies. I felt compassion for all of the puppies whose ribs were
showing through their fur. I felt compassion for my sick roommate. I felt
compassion for all of the children who don’t have enough to eat. When you’re
practicing bhakti and putting others first, compassion is something that is
just part of the territory.
Confusion: There was generally always some level of confusion. Where are we
going? What did he say? What day is it? Is Vishnu eternal or not eternal? Where
did I put my sunglasses? Can I drink that? Can I eat that? Is that really a
bathroom?
Contempt: Much like aggression,
this isn’t something I came across in my two weeks in India.
Depression: I don’t take the word depression lightly. So, I’ll say there were
moments of sadness. Wait, is sadness on the list? Nope, okay, so I can leave it
here. I was definitely sad on the morning on January 30th,
remembering that two years ago that day I watched Grams pass from this world. I
was sad seeing my new friends cry as they opened their hearts to the group. But
the saddest I was during the trip was when I had to say my goodbyes. These
people became my family for two weeks and somehow, even though there was an end
date, I didn’t feel like it would ever really end. I know that most of the
people I’ll keep in touch with, so in that sense, it never will end. But
disbanding our little traveling group of bhaktis was sad to see.
Doubt: Looking
back, there was more doubt than I realized. Part of me thought I would find God
on this trip. Seeing how devoted people are to their deities, temples,
traditions and beliefs was awe-inspiring. It made me wonder if I have that in
me. Have I not found which version of God speaks to me, or will I not be able
to find God? Do I believe in it, but just have a hard time giving it a name?
It’s said that Vrindavan, one
of the holy cities in India, has to let you in. Being there, I wondered if I
should be. Was I worthy? Did I deserve to be there? Was this strange feeling
I had in my chest the town trying to push me out?
I also doubted if I could
ever be a could teacher; if I could memorize Sanskrit; if I could be as good of
a friend to the people I met there as they were to me. But I think the thing
about doubt is, if you can look at it head on, it makes you dig deeper, try
harder and explore more.
Empathy: Everyone I met had their own stories and their own struggles. I
felt for each and every one of them.
Envy: This
is not something I should have felt on the trip, and I don’t even know that I’d
go so far as to say I felt envy, but there were moments when I wished I had
been able to dress better like others, or had the grace of others, or had the
skill of others. But the good thing, I think, is that all of those moments were
constructive. Seeing qualities in others that I liked, made me want to be a
better version of myself, be more dedicated to my practice, more patient, more
well-rounded. Life is all about growing and learning, right?
Embarrassment: I guess I really didn’t
encounter this one either, but one instance that came close was when I used a
shower as a bathroom on the side of the road because I thought it was just a
really bad toilet system.
Ecstasy/Euphoria: It was our second
day at Govardhan Eco Village. It was also the second anniversary of Grandma’s
passing. I had dedicated the day to her. The still-in-progress yoga room is nestled at
the bottom of the mountains and is lined with windows, so I could watch the sun
rise over the mountains during the morning practice.
As the sun began to rise,
I was the most present I had been in a long time. I breathed in, taking in that
I was in India and that, at the moment, all was right in my life. Grams had led
me on this journey, to that place, and I was surrounded by nothing but good
energy and love. And it became completely overwhelming. I likened to it the
same feeling you get if you’ve ever taken ecstasy; that moment when you feel
every cell in your body light up, come alive and become bathed in love and
happiness. I looked at my surroundings, my new friends and I cried tears of
absolute pure joy.
Forgiveness: Part of the trip was
learning to say you’re sorry when you should and to ask for forgiveness. So,
more than me coming to any sort of epiphany on the trip about something I
should forgive, I focused on my actions towards others. And took steps to
apologize for things that I shouldn’t have done, or even impressions I may have
given.
Frustration: Sure there are things
you can get frustrated about in India. But you have to learn to roll with it. I
distinctly remember being frustrated on two occasions. I’m sure there were
more, it is me, after all, but here are a couple. One was ending up in a
department store in Mumbai trying to find clothes for the flower festival. Just
leaving a few days on a farm and being planted in a busy city shopping in a
department store playing American music was a quick way to kill the pilgrimage
vibe. Especially after trying several things on and none of them fitting and
local women cutting me in line for the fitting room. But my friends came to the
rescue, found something my size and saved the day.
A second moment was at the
end of the beautiful flower festival. The flower festival was unlike anything I
have ever been to. It was filled with love, fun and the excitement of being a
child playing in the fall leaves. Towards the end, though, I started to feel
like I was at a rock show and was getting tossed around and pushed out of the
way so that a few people could take pictures or snap a selfie. All that is
fine, but there could have been a bit more “excuse me’s” and less pushing. But
hey, things can get a little chaotic when you’re playing in several tons of
flower petals.
Gratitude: Every moment of this trip was filled with gratitude. I was so grateful
for the opportunity to take this trip that it spilled over into everything
else. I was grateful for literally every one I met, from my fellow travelers to
the Hare Krishnas to the children to the bus drivers. I was grateful for the
food. I was grateful for hot water and drinking water. I was grateful for my friends
back home who supported me and encouraged me to take the trip. I was grateful
for the cows that carried us dinner. I was grateful for rooftop yoga, sunrises and moonrises. I’m grateful I got to see how happy Eryk
was at the flower festival, that I got to hear Jo sing on the bus one last
time, that I got to take a class led by Linda. Just…everything.
Grief: I discovered mid-journey
that I’m still very much dealing with the loss of Grams— that I’m still looking
for her, for a way to connect with her. So there were some definitely moments
of grief. We had a ceremony on Lake Pushkar in which I tried to reach out to
her, with grief weighing heavy on my heart.
Guilt: As
part of the “forgiveness” practice, I identified moments in which I could have
maybe been a better friend, a better daughter, a better girlfriend. Those
moments carry guilt with them, which is exactly why we seek forgiveness.
Hatred: Not
an ounce of this existed in my world.
Hope: Two
of the big question marks in my life are, where am I going to work and where am
I going to live? Getting some 8,000 miles of distance allowed me to get a lot
of clarity on where I see myself ending up. And with that clarity brought hope.
Horror: Okay, this wasn’t horror, but it’s the closest on the list to
“invasion of personal space.” In India, if you’re not Indian, you’re going to
stand out. That we did. Everywhere we went people wanted to take pictures with
us, which was strange, but mostly fine. We were, after all, taking pictures of
them, so it seemed fair. But one day, a man asked to take a picture with me and
at the last moment grabbed my waist, pulled me in close and pressed his cheek
against mine for the photo. Aside from just generally being inappropriate, I’ve
had issues with personal space in the past and this quickly brought that need
for a protective bubble back. It lingered with me for a few days, which
bothered me, and even made me feel a little naïve for not knowing better or
saying no or waiting for someone else to be around. So going forward, I
politely declined all requests for photos.
Hostility: Another big negative emotion that didn’t exist during my two weeks in
India.
Homesickness: Going into the trip, one of my biggest fears was that I’d get there
and feel homesick. I never did. I
missed being able to use tap water or go to a bathroom and know that there
would be toilet paper, but those were minor things that I quickly became used
to and adjusted for.
Hunger: I didn’t realize hunger
was an emotion. But this list says it is; so it shall be. I ate a lot in India.
Like, a lot. I think it was part excitement, part the food being so amazing and
part completely vegetarian diet leaving me wanting food every few hours. I was
never hungry, but I always felt, “Hey, I could eat.”
Hysteria: Probably the closest I
came to hysteria was when I got to JFK to leave for the trip. I had been
nervous about going to India for weeks. But there I was, leaving a day early to
try to beat a blizzard, alone, about to embark on the biggest trip of my life
and was pretty much freaking out. Plus I hate flying. And I really hate flying
in bad weather. As I sat on a bench just past security watching the weather
grow increasingly worse, I cried my eyes out trying to wrap my head around what
I was about to embark on. It reminded me of the time my dad dropped me off at Girl
Scouts and at the last minute I didn’t want to go, so I stood in the doorway
crying my eyes out, yelling for him to come back and get me, but it was too
late, he didn’t hear me and there I was stuck. So, there I was, stuck at JFK,
trying to find the strength to collect myself and make myself get on that
airplane. Thank you to my two angels Jen and Laura who, without, I’m not sure I
could have gotten on that plane.
Interest: This was constant. Being
surrounded by so many new people, new settings, new colors, new smells, new
sounds, new animals, new traffic patterns, new religions…how could you not
spend even one moment being interested in what’s around you.
Loneliness: I spent 16 days
surrounded by people. My dad and my brother picked me up from the airport after
the trip and brought me home. Boyfriend was away for work, which I thought
would be a good opportunity for me to take a couple of days to decompress and
process the trip. But when my dad shut my front door behind him and the quiet
set in, I realized, for the first time in weeks, I was completely alone. And
boy, did I not like it.
Love: Just like interest,
compassion, and gratitude, love is something that I was constantly feeling and
always surrounded by. How many people can say that they’ve had that for even a
few days—constant love and support? I was blessed enough to have it for 16
days.
Paranoia: Who knows what kind of
creatures live in India. My first few days were spent at the Eco Village. After
our first night, Linda told a story about an encounter with a hissing creature
of some sort that she had to free from her garbage can in the middle of the
night. So there was always a question as to what would be waiting for us in our
rooms. The last night there, I was awaken but a buzzing that came super close
to my ear causing me to sit up in a panic thinking some sort of flying whatnot
was about to try to eat my face. Turning on the light, I couldn’t see anything,
so I thought maybe it was a dream and laid back down. But the buzzing came back.
With the lights back on, I still didn’t see anything. So I laid down again.
Then I thought maybe it was coming from outside. Then I remembered the movie
“Brokedown Palace” and thought maybe the bug was in my ear. After confirming
for myself I didn’t have a bug in my ear, I gave up and accepted that I was
just awake now at 3 a.m. Eventually I saw the bug. It was a tiny gnat. Then I
was just impressed that the tiny little guy could make so much noise.
Pity: See compassion.
Pleasure: There
were so many things on this trip that caused me pleasure, lots of big
life-changing things and lots of little things. So let me share one of the
smaller, non-living changing things. Towards the end of the trip after eating
nothing but India food (which was delicious) for nearly two weeks, we had a
chance to order Mexican, Italian, or American food. All that is just fine, but
what gave me immense pleasure at that meal was the dessert. I had chocolate pie
that night and it made me very, very, happy.
Pride: I
had a moment of pride when after telling myself, “I WILL learn these Sanskrit
versions,” I finally memorized two of them.
Regret: Yet
another negative emotion I didn’t really come across. Hooray for not having
negative emotions!
Remorse: I touched base with home
when I could while I was away. One of the last days my boyfriend informed me
that his boss put “No Parking” stickers on my windshield when he brought my car
to work with him and that while he got the sticker off a lot of glue remained.
I got off the phone, told the story to my lovely roommate and ended with, “Ugh
I hate people.” To which she said, “Aw, come on now.” And she was right. I
regretted letting the words escape my mouth, because it’s not true. It was a
moment of frustration for something I’d have to deal with when I got home and
nothing more.
Shame: We were surrounded by so much love and support for two weeks, there
wasn’t room for the type of behavior that would cause me to feel shame.
Suffering: The only suffering I
endured was at the airport in JFK. The self-imposed suffering for letting my
mind run a muck. But so much suffering is caused by the mind, isn’t it?
Sympathy: see compassion.